Life is but a dream to me, I don't want to wake up!

It's funny (for lack of a better word) that the magnitude of things in your life can shift so unexpectedly that things once so very massive in perception are now microscopic. Why does it take losing something, or even someone, to get a real grasp on reality? Are we as a human race so engulfed into our own day to day routines that bigger issues like terrorism and daily injustice fade to black when when they encounter our callused exteriors?

At first listen, it didn't sink in. Hell - at fourth listen it didn't sink it. I didn't think it was real. It couldn't be real, like one of my closest links said: "Shit like this rarely happens to our family." I don't want times like this to bring out love in an artificial way. I want the genuine love that I know is always fundamentally embedded in our clan to flourish at all times. On the other hand, how is it possible to want something so much that at times you know deep down you don't always give yourself? And more important, in the face of crisis - does it even matter?

How do you comfort the comforter? How is it emotionally possible to fathom your spouses' funeral within the same year that you first said "I Do" in front of all of your familial pillars? It's always said that God only lets you experience what he knows you will handle, so deep down I know that my cuddly teddy bear will have the steel-like exterior and at times interior to deal with everything that's threatening to break him down.

The Proof is in the Mood!

The best piece of advice that I've ever received had to come from my mom a few months ago. It wasn't anything too complex or even unheard of before, but when she said it, I know I stopped dead in my tracks - and to this day I swear she's the most intelligent woman I know, have heard of or read about. Earlier this year when she could tell it was something I needed to hear, she looked me dead in my face and said: "When someone shows you who they are - believe them" Very simple in theory, very difficult to execute.

I swear when she said this I felt just like Miranda did when Carrie's new boyfriend told her that the reason her recent date didn't come up and stay the night after what Miranda thought was a "great date" wasn't because he was on deadline at work like he'd wanted her to believe. No, the reason was simple - he just wasn't that into her. Carrie originally tried to hush her new boy toy, I'm assuming it was because she thought that his response to Miranda was far too harsh, especially to a woman's pride. But if my memory serves me correct, Miranda was thrilled at the news. Why? Because in a nutshell it was very refreshing not having to decode and sift through all the bullshit possibilities and reasons why her interest at hand didn't "work out."

I think its human nature, or even now that I think about it, possibly more woman nature to always try to associate, pinpoint and attach a feeling behind action. Namely, action coming from a man. However, you would think that with the combination of advice from my mom and Carrie's at-the-time-boyfriend, recognizing who someone is before its too late should be a simple task. No cigar!

I met someone - and even if he hadn't told me that he was moody within the first couple of dates I would have been able to figure it out in a heartbeat. I should have know to leave right then and there. But of course I went against my inner voice. It's not that I didn't believe him, because I knew from the start that he was the kind of man who was definitely in touch with himself and what he wanted. It was more wishful thinking on my part. Being a fixer at heart - I only took so much of what he said at face value, completely disregarding or considering the fact that in his 28 years of life it's not something he thought should be fixed. It's as if finding out the truth about someone within the first few dates of knowing them, couldn't possibly be accurate. The hunt, the chase, the "beginning" stage is over, so even though someone tells you from jump who or what they are - most people don't want to accept it.

Why is it that you can know something from the very start, go against any piece of tarnished instinct you have left, and have the nerve to have your jaw hanging open when a person of interest (man or woman) does exactly what they always said they would? Are we too busy trying to craft people into who and what we want them to be, that we overlook and blatantly ignore who they say they are and what they want to do just to appease our selfish needs? Life would be Jay Z's figurative beach chair if we merely accepted people we encountered for who they are - especially when they tell us so.

The Boot...

So I think this is it. I know - I know I've said it before, but I really think this is it. It's amazing the things you will do to get thoughts or people out of your head and heart. I don't know why, but it seems that innocent people always wind up having to suffer because of you. It was a cold reality when I realized that the person I wanted, loved and yearned for no longer existed in you. It was a cold reality when I realized that what and who I was in love with was just a distant memory. There were times when I'll admit - I made bone head mistakes. There were times that I wish I could take back to this very day. But hey - everything happens for a reason, right?

I noticed that whenever I'd try to "rush" over you, my feelings would only come back ten fold. So now, I'm going to drive slow. I don't know what the means, but I'm going to stay home and figure it out. In a way, I'm in awe at the tricks your heart and mind can play on you. In my mind, logically speaking, I could flat out say that you were no good, or that I'd be miserable or even always on edge. But emotionally, in my heart, I felt we were bread and butter. It's weird thinking that another human being on the opposite side of the planet is walking around, living their life knowing all your fears, dreams and secrets.

I'm not saying people shouldn't change. Growth is change. I'm just saying love doesn't die when change is present - even it's good, bad or ugly.

Best Seller...

If the title of Barbara Walter's memoir is "Audition" then the title of my memoir would be called "Close the Deal". When Oprah asked Barbara why she named her book "Audition", Barbara said it was because she felt her whole life had been devoted to auditioning for roles whether personal or career related.

I personally felt that I could relate to her rationale on so many levels. In a nutshell - life is an audition. It can start before pre K for some, but most experience it their last few years of high school when they start looking at different colleges. Others experience it when they decide they want to settle down and start auditioning for their one true love. For me, auditioning has always been an extremely exciting stage. I don't know if it's the allure and temptation of change being an attainable outcome on the other side of the audition, or if an open platform to sing and dance about myself is just too inviting for a girl like me to turn down.

At the end of the day, I know I like to audition because it brings on a sought change. Nothing is better than change this is sought. It's the change that's abruptly unexpected that is often the hardest to swallow. I don't know if it's possible, but I find myself in a place right now trying to turn abrupt change into sought change. That being the case, its getting a lot harder to close the deal on all these auditions that use to fall into place like clockwork. Maybe it's the shift in power, or maybe its Change's way of letting me know that it can't be made over, and that for once there is finally a time that no matter how good the audition went - the deal just won't close..

Absolutely?Maybe!

Some would say it's a state of confusion. I say it's a state of life. Some say nothing in life is definite. I say definite is replaceable. You ask me if I'm okay? I loathe your question and love hearing from you. Rereading that chapter would only make me feel as though the present is a mistake. Deep down, I know that I'm in a better place. A place rid of all your unspoken expectations and ultimate ideals. A place that I hate to admit I don't mind residing. The answer is no! No! I can't go there. But I can't help but wonder if my no is being chased by unless.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my "no - unless" theory. It's a theory that if correct could reveal holes in every "no" decision ever made. To be honest, I've actually been testing it out since I was about 12 or 13. It causes you to question the validity of your no's. Can a no falter? How valid is a no if it can? Maybe no, shouldn't even exist. Maybe people should preface or respond to no-like questions with a "yes-unless" instead.

As much as I know you're the epitome of the Impossible Man, is the reason I actually deleted you based on a no-unless. And if that's the case, can it really be said that you are deleted if all you have to do is say when?

Ex Files

I'm not too proud to admit that at times I enjoy my ears being tickled, especially from the opposite sex. Yes, flattery has always been a quick way to penetrate my ever so shaky heart strings. One night, many boys ago, I was talking to a lust, (one who I used to swear up and down was the real thing, I digress) and I was definitely in the mood to hear some sweet nothings. So I did what any flattery driven girl would do. I brought up the ex factor. From what I can remember, I asked him the age old trick question:

"Do you miss any of your ex's?"

The "correct" response would have been, "Of course not. You're so fulfilling, until I don't need or want any old or new girls in my life."

Of course, that's not the answer I received. Instead he shockingly hit me with, "Of course, couldn't everyone see themselves with an ex."

At the time, the raging fury creeping up my throat chocked all the butterflies I was anxiously waiting to let loose had he just followed the script. That's not at all what I had bargained for. That's probably where it all started. Asking questions you either wanted a pre-set answer to, or didn't want to hear the answer to at all.

Now, at least four boys later, it all makes sense. Relationships adjust. When the two parties involved can't, that's when things fall apart. However, just because the individuals can't nurture a more intimate relationship, doesn't mean feelings die. And although I didn't want to hear or admit it at the time - it's why the idea of rekindling a relationship with an ex is never that far off from reality.

The Truth and Only the Truth?

During my whole upbringing I was always taught to tell the truth. I tried to stick to this in all aspects of life but of course as you get older it just becomes harder and harder to do. I wouldn't say I've given up on it but as of lately I've given it a lot of thought.

I was watching a tv show a few days ago and a guest speaker told the audience that everytime you tell a lie you're killing yourself internally. In theory this makes perfect sense to me. But then I got to thinking, maybe lies aren't really lies, maybe their just different truths. The way I see it everyone has their own version to a story (the school yard game telephone pleads my case) - a certain way that they see things.

Which leads me to wonder, since a lot of times the truth is defined by peoples' personal experiences and beliefs does that mean that their truths are lies and their lies are truths?